Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
by Lady Emzebel
Summary: Follow up to The Vegetable Must Be Destroyed. After the second incident with the small red fruit, the sniper seriously ponders whether the cook has a fetish...Oneshot crackfic. Enjoy.


Title: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

Pairing: None really, just a few implications.

Rating: K+ for some swearing.

Warnings: Crack. Pure, unadulterated crack.

Disclaimer: Neither One Piece nor the song are mine.

A/N: A follow up to the fic, _The Vegetable Must Be Destroyed_. Therefore, you should probably go read that first so you're not bombarded with thoughts of what-the-effery.

-----X3-----

By the time midday approached, the sun was shining brightly in the sky, making the snow on Thousand Sunny's deck sparkle, and Usopp's bad mood had drastically improved. His knee no longer hurt and the violent wind that had been blustering all night long had finally died down to naught more than a slight breeze.

At that moment the sniper was sitting peacefully in the snow, warm and dry in his extra-thick, down-stuffed overalls, fiddling with his AaaaAaaaAaaa belt and watching Zoro who was, predictably, leaning against the mast and snoring. Usopp found he had to smile as he fondly regarded the swordsman, pondering whether the man had reptile blood in him.

_In the heat he's restless, constantly moving and training in temperatures that would kill the rest of us,_ thought Usopp, bending his head over the belt again, _and yet in the cold, he's as sluggish as a snake_.

As if Zoro had heard the sniper's internal musings, the swordsman's snot bubble popped loudly as he awoke with a slight jerk. Wiping his cold, red nose with the back of his mitten-clad hand, he snuffled sleepily as he clambered to his feet and set off towards the galley. On his way, he turned to the sniper and stuck his tongue out, uncharacteristically immature, then grinned and moved on.

Usopp just rolled his eyes, making a mental note to stay far away from the cook's domain for the time being.

He'd been surprisingly lucky, having not had the living daylights kicked out of him by an irate Sanji the instant he entered the kitchen, given his rather cheeky comment earlier that morning. Indeed, his only punishment had been a rather disappointing lack of deliciously fried tomatoes on his breakfast plate.

Even Usopp was wise enough to realise it would not be beneficial to his health to complain about this fact. After all, it wouldn't take much provocation for the cook to relent in his initial decision to not kick the sniper's head in.

He whipped around however, when he heard the loud bang of a door slamming open and a startled, but very manly, yelp—courtesy of the swordsman. His eyes widened when he was met with the sight of something large and rubbery rapidly approaching.

Usopp had no time to dodge as Monkey D. Luffy ploughed into him with a velocity that could only mark him as an unwilling projectile sent flying by Sanji's feet.

"Ne, Sanji! What was that for!?"

"Owwie..."

"Shitty rubber boy! If I've told you once I've told you a million times! STAY OUTTA MY GODAMNED KITCHEN!"

"Luff..."

"What the hell, shit-cook?! You nearly killed me with that door!"

"Oh not you too, marimo! I swear to god, the next one to bother me for food or sake will be going to Chopper with a aubergine shoved up his..."

"But Sanjiiiiii! I'm hungrrrrrryyyy!"

"Shut up! Lunch will be ready soon!"

"Luf...Luffy...ow..."

"Yeah Usopp?"

"Can you...urgh...I mean...will you just...owww...get ooooff!"

"Ah, sorry Usopp."

Luffy stood and reached down, grasping Usopp by the hood of his jacket, and picked him up, setting the sniper upright on his feet. Gingerly rubbing his new set of bruises, Usopp dejectedly traipsed away from the scene before it developed into a full-scale brawl, wondering how such a lovely day could have spiralled downhill into a world of pain so quickly.

Behind him, the expected angry banter started up.

"You asshole! Look! You dented my lovely galley door with your fat head!"

"You're the one who opened it into my face, curlicue!"

"Sanji! Meeeeat!"

"SHUT UP!"

"My, they certainly are lively today, aren't they navigator-san?" Robin commented to Nami and Brooke as they sat below-deck drinking coffee, hot cocoa, and tea (respectively) in the bar-cum-aquarium. Brook just laughed as he continued to fine-tune his violin while Nami twitched as she flicked through her newspaper.

"Well, they are for now. Until, I get my hands on them..." she muttered murderously before one article in particular caught her eye. "Oh wow...looks like there's been a flock of very vicious birds attacking islands in the West Blue...no deaths, but serious injuries have been reported. Hey, even the Marines are getting involved, it's gotten so bad."

"How peculiar."

"Indeed."

Robin took a sip of her steaming beverage and looked back to her own book.

"Brook-san, would you be so kind as to play for us again?"

"Certainly...if I might be allowed to look at your panties..."

A fist cracked over the dome of his bony cranium, the musician's voluminous afro doing nothing to soften the impact.

"Don't even think about it."

"Hai...Nami-san."

Meanwhile, Usopp collapsed in a pile of snow on the foredeck. groaning. Franky and Chopper looked up at him, the former from twiddling around with the Gaon Cannon, and the latter from passing him screws.

"Usopp?"

"Wassup bro?"

"The monster trio," Usopp sighed.

The doctor and the shipwright nodded. This being all the explanation they needed, they turned back to their work. Sounds of shouting drifted over from the other side of the ship, resounding in the frigid air.

Usopp dragged his head up from its cushion in the packed-down snow and winced at Franky's attire, the usual brightly patterned Hawaiian shirt and deep blue speedo.

"How can you not be cold?"

Franky grinned at him, flicking his sunglasses upwards with his thumb.

"I'm too super to feel the cold today. I could wander around the South Pole like this and not feel a thing."

Chopper's eyes shone in awe.

"Really Franky?! Sugei!"

"...damn cyborg. You've got internal heaters haven't you?"

Franky winked before sliding his glasses back into place.

"That might have something to do with it. I can't believe I didn't think of it before I got sent flying to Vegapunk's hometown..."

"Well would you mind uninstalling them please, so you've got an excuse to cover up..."

"Hey, at least the little lady likes it..."

Usopp cut him off with a weird strangled noise and a wave of his hand.

"There are innocent ears about." He discreetly indicated Chopper, seeming oblivious as he examined a warped screw. The little reindeer looked up and regarded the sniper sternly.

"I do know what sex is thank you, Usopp. I am a doctor, after all. But if the topic makes you feel uncomfortable, then perhaps I should lend you a book on the subject."

Franky snorted as Usopp buried his face in the snow.

"Nice one, long-nose."

"Shut up...oh for heaven's sake, has Nami not emerged and clobbered them yet?!" Usopp heaved himself onto his knees as the glared in the general direction of the three idiots still fighting.

"SNACK?! I'LL GIVE YOU A DAMN BLOODY SNACK, RUBBER BOY! MOVE MARIMO!" Sanji screeched.

The sound of his steel-capped loafers stomping across wooden floorboards was heard as he shoved Zoro aside and retreated into his kitchen. When the cook returned, there was a cylindrical object clasped in his hand that he promptly launched at his captain's head.

Predictably, it bounced off his rubber skull and flew through the air to hit Usopp in the back of the head.

"Owww."

"Oh my god! Doctor! We need a doctor!"

"That's you little bro."

"...oh yeah."

"PLAY WITH THAT FOR A BIT MORON! MAYBE IT WILL KEEP YOU OCCUPIED UNTIL LUNCH! SWORDSMAN! GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!"

When the sound of a door slamming shut again resounded across the ship, Luffy was left on the deck staring at the spot where his cook and first mate had previously been standing. Then he came to what little senses he had, and scrambled up to where Usopp was now sitting, rubbing his head with one hand, and holding the cylindrical object in the other.

"Ne, what is it Usopp?"

Usopp examined for a few seconds and then snorted. It wasn't a surprise really. Unexpected, but not a surprise. After all, though Sanji loathed using anything but the freshest of produce with which to cook, when the Thousand Sunny sailed for weeks at a time, without the slightest glimpse of an island or fresh food in sight, you had to have at least _some _canned ingredients on hand.

_I'm starting to think he's got some sort of fetish._

The cook had thrown a can of tinned tomatoes.

Luffy rubbed his head.

"That's what he threw at me? Damn, that actually hurt."

Usopp noted the sizable dent in the side of the battered can, and conceded that its sheer enormity could not have occurred simply from barrelling into his own skull.

_I am sick of getting hit with stuff...damn, Sanji, I haven't even told anyone yet..._

A metaphorical light bulb dinged to life above his head. The sniper turned to his captain and grinned evilly.

"Hey Luffy...you wanna have some fu n with this?"

-----X3-----

In the galley, Sanji sat across the table from Zoro, leaning back in his chair and smoking. The swordsman watched him a tad warily, his hand straying towards the hilts of his swords.

"Why am I here, cook?"

"I need to vent some frustration."

"...again, why am I here?"

The blonde let out a long, slow stream of smoke, lowered his gaze from the ceiling to look Zoro in the eye, and smirked.

"I think a little sparring match is in order don't you think?"

"Aren't you supposed to be preparing lunch?"

"I gave Luffy those tomatoes didn't I?"

"He'll have them finished in half a second."

"Those tins are harder to open than you think. Even for a rubber monster like him. I give him ten minutes..."

"That enough?"

"More than."

The cook stubbed out his cancer stick and approached the swordsman, rolling up his sleeves and loosening his tie. Zoro grinned and went for his swords.

Two warbling voices drifted into the kitchen from outside as something squishy and red splattered against the pothole window.

"_Attaaaaack of the killer tomatoooooes! Attaaaaaack of the killer tomatooooooes!__They'll beat you, bash you, squish you, mash you, chew you up for brunch, __a__nd finish you ooooooff for dinner or lunch!"_

Sanji hit the floor face-first, one leg sticking in the air and twitching manically. A slightly higher pitched voice joined the first two before several more squishy red things were flung at the galley.

"_They're maaaaaaarching down the haaaaalls!__They're craaaaaaaawling up the waaaaaaalls!__They're gooey, gushy, squishy, mushy,__ r__otten to the cooooore!__They're standing outside your doooooor!"_

He desperately wished he was just imagining the musical accompaniment. Another voice, this one deeper, joined in for the third verse.

_"Remeeeeeember Sanji Blackleeeeeeg!__While spriiiiiinkling stuff with nutmeeeeeeeg!__He turned around and he did see__, __tomatoes floating in the sea!__Now he's juuuuust a memoryyyyyyy!"_

"...the hell...?" muttered Zoro as he stared at the despairing cook in concern. Another voice started to sing.

_"I knoooooooow I'm going to miss hiiiiiim! A tomatooooooo ate my captaaaaaain! The Thousand Sunny fell today__, __I really am afraid to say!__Tomatoooooes are on their waaaay!"_

"Supah!" hollered the deep voice from outside.

"Oi! It's not supah! I got eaten!"

"Gah! Someone get a doctor! The tomatoes are gonna eat Luffy!

"Chopper...bro...they're not really killer tomatoes..."

"...thank goodness!"

"Yohohoho!"

"You guys! That's not how it's supposed to go! There is no speaking between verses!"

"Lighten up long-nose! It's just instrumental! Play it louder Brook!"

"Chopper! More tomatoes!"

"Hai!"

"On with the song! Yohohohoho!"

Tomatoes bombarded the galley. Sanji could have sworn the tin he'd thrown at Luffy hadn't contained that many.

"_Sengokuuuuuu is on vacatioooooon!__The Gorouseeeeeei have fled the natiooooon!__The marines have gone on strike today,__CP9 has run away__! __Tomatoooooooes will have their daaaaaaay!"_

"One more time!"

Sanji clambered off the floor, looking murderous as he headed towards the door.

_"Attack of the killer tomatoes!__Attack of the killer tomatoes! They'll beat you, bash you, squish you, mash you__, __chew you up for brunch__, __and finish you off for dinner or lunch!__Lunch, lunch__, __dinner or lunch, lunch, lunch__,__ dinner or luuuuuunch!"_

Laughter exploded outside as the music and singing ended after one long note.

Sanji's eyebrow twitched as he reached for the doorknob.

_Now Sanji, no need to be mad...as long as the marimo doesn't guess...everything will be fine...just need to have a quick word with the sniper...ensure his silence...that's all...it's gonna be fine..._

"Wow Usopp, are we ever gonna be in trouble if we can't get that tomato off the galley wall. Nami's gonna kill us...and Sanji too."

"It's okay; just dousing it in water will do the trick."

"Franky's right, a good hosing and that _fruit's _gonna come right off."

At that, Sanji exploded.

"SHITTY LONG-NOSE, YOU'RE GONNA FUCKING DIE!"

As the screams of agony started up outside, Zoro departed to find some sake; he figured it would be quite a while till the cook had reasonably beaten the ever-loving shit out of their male nakama...for whatever reason.

"Weird cook," he muttered, sipping his drink.

-----X3-----

I now have a new favourite song. XD Seriously, I'm singing it aloud as I speak...er...write. I know I edited it a bit here, but hopefully you still enjoyed it.

Psst, if you get the bird reference, I'll give you a cyber cookie.

Full credit must be given to Kazztar, who suggested a follow up to my other fic with this song. I swear, Kazztar, you're my new idol for doing so. If you're reading this, you'll know it deviates slightly from your suggestion but I hope it satisfies you nevertheless.

Mind you don't trip over the review button on your way out. I don't want any broken necks here. Clicking on it however, is an entirely safe, and even encouraged, practice. XD

Banzai!

L.E


End file.
